Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
