I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
