No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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