Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
