It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
