Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
