I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
