glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
