I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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