yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
