apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize