that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
