I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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