My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you would pick up someone in the library
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We smell like vodka and hangover
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