Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
