Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
