You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
