I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
