I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
