I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
