remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I love you.
Bad choice
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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