Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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