We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize