I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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