I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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