I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
