in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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