FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
