I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
