I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
