ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
