remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
