Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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