3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
