I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
