shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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