Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
