I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I will pee on everything he values.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize