This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
