Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
