Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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