We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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