Tell her she can't have a vagina
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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