In the future we'll all be gay
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
