i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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