he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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