I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
PANTIES FOUND
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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