why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
