Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
