Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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