I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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