What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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