i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
