I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, beer. Big fan.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize