I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
