Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
