The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
