Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Bring me that man meat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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