I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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