Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
